No kidding, he's thinking about it! He was already baptized when he was a baby, but that was Episcopalian so it "doesn't count" with the religious right.
So he's thinking about doing it again, because, goddammit, he needs the religious right. Look:
(continued)
April 24, 2008
McCain on baptism plans: 'It's a private thing.'
Posted: 06:01 AM ETFrom CNN's Rebecca Sinderbrand, CNN's Tasha Diakides
ABOARD THE STRAIGHT TALK EXPRESS (CNN) — John McCain, who rarely talks about his faith publicly, discussed some of his religious beliefs with reporters Wednesday - including the question of whether he might consider being baptized again...
...But he was more guarded about his current plans with regard to baptism, calling them "a private thing."
"I've been in discussions with Pastor Yeary, and we'll continue those discussions," he said.
A “private thing?” Oh, no it’s not. It’s a very public thing, if you’re the GOP presidential candidate and you’re considering undergoing full-immersion baptism in an election year.
And it could be very, very dangerous for a man of McCain’s advanced years and precarious health. I wouldn’t like to be there, if this happens:
McCain (wearing a towel): Are you sure this is absolutely necessary?
Advisor: We need the religious right, senator. There were three and half million new voters registered this year, and we can be damn sure they’re all Obama voters. Now come on, and remember to smile when you get in the water.
McCain: What’s with all the video cameras and the news people out there, I thought this was supposed to be some kind of private, sacred, religious thing—
Advisor: That’s not how these guys do it. The private baptism thing isn’t going to win us any more votes, that’s why we’ve got to do this. It’s a public profession of the faith, Baptists “gather” at these things, remember that old Gospel song (sings) “Shall we gather at the river, the beautiful, the beautiful riiiver...”
McCain: Oh my God, they’re not going to put me in a river, are they? For Christ’s sake I’m seventy two years old, I’ve been treated for cancer—
Advisor: Nonononono, no river, absolutely no river. Look out there, see? Behind the curtain, see? It’s a tub, just a big tub of water, like with the three naked girls at the beginning of “Petticoat Junction.”
McCain: Petticoat what?
Advisor: The point is—you won’t have to do any swimming! No swimming! And the pastor will be there in the water with you, he’ll hold you up. Now come on, let’s get out there, the pastor’s already in the water, he’s probably getting cold—
McCain: Cold? Is that water cold? Because my heart isn’t what it used to be, you can’t just throw me into a vat of cold water—
Advisor: It’ll be refreshing! How cold can the water be, we’re in Arizona—come on, senator—or should I say, Mr. Future President of the United States—
McCain: Cold water, this is like Hanoi all over again—
Advisor: You’ve got some clothes on under that towel, haven’t you?
McCain: Well, I didn’t know what to wear, I’ve got this mankini thing on, it’s starting to ride up—
McCain: Toughen up, Senator McCain! This is worth ten million votes, at least! This’ll be all over YouTube in a half an hour, you want them to see you shaking? And when you get out there, watch your sight lines, you don’t want them photographing the bent-over backbone thing—
McCain: Don’t worry, if that water’s cold, you’ll see me straighten out like a rocket! I’ll probably snap three vertebrae—I can’t do it. I’ll catch a chill and I’ll get sick, I’m too old for—
Advisor: Senator, it’s either this--or put Huckabee on the ticket.
McCain: (shocked pause, then sighs) Okay, then.
Advisor: Get moving! Don’t forget to smile! Don’t make any jokes! Look happy!
(McCain emerges from behind the curtain. Cameras flash, and reporters yell questions which McCain ignores as he shuffles towards the tank. He ascends the steps with the help of a Republican deacon. The pastor, already shivering in the tank, stretches out his arms to welcome McCain.)
(McCain dips his toe in the water.)
McCain: JESUS CHRIST! (he snatches back his toe from the water.)
(Shocked silence for a moment, then McCain’s Advisor calls out:)
Advisor: Uh, that’s right! “Jesus Christ,” that’s what the Senator is here to do, accept Jesus Christ as his personal savior!
(Noises of “ahh, now we understand” from the crowd.)
McCain: Before, I, umm, I just have a few words I’d like to say about my tax plan—
(Advisor gestures frantically, making “thumb down,” “no-no” gestures, making “hold your nose and dunk yourself” motions, pointing at his watch, hissing “Now! Now!”)
McCain: Okay, okay. I... uh...
(He starts to get into the tub)
McCain: J-J-J-Jesus C-C-C-c-c-christ!
(An AP reporter whispers to the Reuters reporter:)
AP Reporter: This is painful to watch...
Reuters Reporter: It’s a good thing he doesn’t have to become a Jew to win—
(McCain is now in tub up to his neck, his face a grotesque grimace, turning blue, his lips tremble...)
Pastor: Senator John McCain, do you accept Jesus Christ as—
McCain: J-J-J-Jeeeezus C-c-c-c-hriiisst—
(It’s too much. His eyes roll up into his head, he becomes unconscious.)
(The Advisor rushes on to the platform, yelling:)
Advisor: Get the paramedics! Goddammit, we’re supposed to have a unit standing by, get them in here! Grab him, get him out of the water!
(He helps the pastor and the others get McCain out of the water)
Advisor: This water’s freezing, are you people crazy? What is this, the Titanic temperature you’ve got going here? Get him out of there...get those little electro-shock thingies and the Vaseline on his chest, hurry up! You! Pastor! Wait a minute--he’s baptized now, right?
Pastor: Well...he didn’t put his head under, it’s supposed to be “full” immersion—
Advisor: WHAT? You’re telling me that that didn’t count? Don’t you have any human feelings at all, doesn’t he get points for trying?
Paramedic: We’re losing him--
Advisor: Senator! Senator! Can you hear me? You’ve got to live, Senator, we can’t lose you now, the money’s finally starting to come in—
(One week later. Mike Huckabee is on television, addressing a press conference.)
Huckabee: ...and while I deeply regret the circumstances that led to me replacing the late Senator McCain as the Republican nominee for the Presidency—I am also happy. Yes, happy. Not for myself, but for John McCain. Whatever doubts we may have had about the sincerity of Senator McCain’s religious professions have been erased, forever. This week, millions of Americans are watching the moving final moments of a true Christian on YouTube, watching in awe as that late, lamented American hero calls upon our lord and savior for salvation, again and again—“Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ...”
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Bill Prendergast is also a contributor to Dump Michele Bachmann.
